I just finished watching this... travesty five minutes ago, and thought I'd share my thoughts while it's still fresh.
A bit of background: I love Star Wars. I love everything about it. Well, almost everything. As such, I am very lenient towards installments in the franchise. Even the stuff that is commonly derided by the fanbase and the general public. I liked Dark Empire, I enjoy Karen Traviss' novels, I thought that The Clone Wars movie was freaking sweet, and I even loved Legacy of the Force, to say nothing of my fondness for the prequel trilogy. In other words, I'll gladly accept almost anything with the Star Wars brand. Probably the only thing I don't like about Star Wars would be Kevin J Anderson's adult novels and short stories. But I had long known of the holiday special. I tacitly acknowledged its existence for years, in the way that a wealthy miser is aware of starving children in Africa- tragic, but completely out of mind. But recently, I developed a masoch*stic illusion that watching the special would be a sort of rite of passage as a Star Wars fan. Oh dear.
So, I start the special up on Google Video. I'm not going to recap the whole story here, as that might cause me to relive these painful memories. Instead, I'll list the things that stick out in my head.
People criticize George Lucas all the time. If you ever want to complain about him again- for any reason- watch this special, which had almost no input from him. You will then gain some perspective and become thankful for everything he's ever done. Even Jar Jar. Hell, Jar Jar will look like Mel Brooks and Charlie Chaplin combined after watching this special.
Harrison Ford and Mark Hamill are clearly bored with the whole affair, and practically sleep walk through their scenes. Carrie Fisher, on the other hand, appears to be stoned out of her mind, which I wish I could have done, as it would have made watching the special much more bearable.
Chewbacca's family. I've come to like them from their sporadic appearances in the Expanded Universe. Now, I hate their guts. I never thought I'd actually hate a Wookiee before, but now... I don't want to see another Wookiee for at least a week.
Harvey Corman cameos in three sketches. The first and second of these are possibly the worst things I have ever seen in my life. How did they manage to take one of the funniest actors of the 70s and put him through this dreck is beyond me. If you can watch his 'cooking' segment without losing all of your faith in humanity, I envy you.
There's a profoundly disturbing sequence where Chewie's father watches a woman singing on some kind of VR thing. This sequence is disturbing because it is implied that the old Wookiee is getting off to the whole thing. If that doesn't sound wrong to you, let me repeat. An elderly bigfoot-bear thing is wanking to a human woman singing. At this point, I felt tears welling up in my eyes. Since my neutral emotional state is 'cheerful' it is very difficult to upset me. I almost cried watching this.
I now think that commercials on modern television are wonderful, because even the commercials that aired during this special were awful. Remember kids, Tobor is 'robot' spelled backwards! I hate myself for remembering that.
The animated segment was almost good. I liked the characterization of Boba Fett. Sadly, the segment itself is a clear contender for Worst Hand-Drawn Animation of All Time.
Mark Hamill was wearing makeup to cover his then-recent motorcycle injury. It shows. He looks like a f*cking lizardman. I like Mark Hamill, which made the uncanny valley effect of his 'I'm going to eat your face off' smile even worse.
There was also an old guy who helped the Wookiees out and made several pitiful attempts at being funny. I hated him and wanted him to die. If the actor who portrayed him has passed away, my condolences to his family and friends. Let us all forget this shameful chapter in his life story.
Oh yeah, and it ends with Princess Leia singing. Carrie Fisher actually has a nice singing voice, but you can tell her heart's not in it. Neither is her mind, which was probably orbited some far away planet while they were filming.
All in all, this special SUCKED. It wins, hands down, the award for the worst creation in the history of film and television. Being aborted would be more fun than watching this special. It was so bad, that I will now devolve into a barrage of profanity. If you are one of the three people remaining in the world who find the word 'f*ck' shocking, I suggest you skip to the next paragraph. f*ck this special. f*ck whomever thought up the idea of making this special. f*ck the writers who put this sh*t together. f*ck the directors and producers who continued their dark work. f*ck the actors' agents for giving them parts in this. f*ck CBS for airing it. f*ck the companies who paid the network to advertise during this special. f*ck 'robot' spelled backwards. f*ck Wookiee masturbation. f*ck Mark Hamill's makeup artist. f*ck the animators. f*ck the cooking program. f*ck the 'funny' old man. And most of all, f*ck ME for wasting my time watching this. f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck!!!!
Anyway, it was bad. I'm so glad most of it isn't canon. Now, if you excuse me, I'm going to watch a few episodes of The Clone Wars in an attempt to purge this sh*t out of my mind with some good televised Star Wars.
Happy Life Day.
